


toujours.

by lordvoldyfarts



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2014-11-09
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:13:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2589632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordvoldyfarts/pseuds/lordvoldyfarts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla hasn't seen her in years - not since she left without anything more than a note. She’s got wrinkles now but Carmilla swears she’s as beautiful as she was the day she walked away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	toujours.

**Author's Note:**

> This is incredibly sad please do not pass go if you're not prepared to cry your face off. If you are, please get chocolate and tissues first.

She’s got wrinkles now but Carmilla swears she’s as beautiful as she was the day she walked away.

She’s got a wedding band on her finger and a picture of a family on the nightstand. She drags her fingers over it and wonders what the picture might look like if it were her with her arms wrapped around Laura.

The monitors are beeping at a rhythmic pace. The sound is a poor substitute for the beating of an actual heart.

There’s a chair poised next to the bed and she sits in it, wondering how inappropriate it would be to grab her hand. She’s sleeping. Carmilla can tell by the slow, languid beat of her heart. A tempo Carmilla never could quite forget.

She went gray - just as she always feared. It suits her though and not for the first time, Carmilla wishes she had the opporrtunity to see what her own hair would look like salt and peppered. She wonders if she fought it or if she remembered the promise she made to Carmilla that would let herself grey naturally - a process Carmilla would never experience.

She has frown lines and crows feet and etched in each wrinkle on her face is a memory. A memory Carmilla was not part of.

She sees the personal touches of the room - the handwritten cards from grandchildren and long winded letters from old friends and she thinks that she shouldn’t have come. She has no place in this room. No place with Laura. She never did.

She moves to stand and leave, regretting her choice to come in the first place, when she hears a clearing throat. “Are you really going to walk away from me without saying goodbye? Again?” And her voice is cracking and it’s low, heavy with exhaustion, but it still sounds musical. Carmilla’s eyes flutter closed and suddenly it’s 2014 again and they’re in a dorm room instead of a house in the suburbs of Berlin.

Her eyes are still the same bright hazel and she hopes her kids have her eyes. Those eyes alone deserve eternal life.

She sits down again and Laura looks at her with a strange mixture of contempt and adoration. “I was certain I would never see you again. After you left….no note, no goodbye, I didn’t think….” She trails off and she still sounds broken. Her hand is upturned and Carmilla grabs it.

"I had to go. You were a shining beacon of potential and the only thing I would have done for you is stifle it. You deserved a shot at success and happiness and I wasn’t it." Carmilla explains and her reasons all sound silly now because no matter what, they were still going to end up here. Laura hooked up to machines and Carmilla wondering how many centuries it would take for her chest to stop aching.

"You know you had no right to decide that for me. It should have been my choice." She’s weak - Carmilla hears it in her voice. Carmilla shakes her head.

"You would have chosen me." She whispers and tightens her grip on Laura’s hand.

"Of course I would have. You’re the love of my life." She says and Carmilla’s eyes shoot up.

"Present tense?" She murmurs. Laura nods.

"Present tense." It hits her all once - the regret. Her eyes are filled with tears and her hand starts to shake.

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t love you like you deserved. I’m sorry I never even told you." Tears are spilling down her cheeks and Laura disconnects their hands to wipe them.

"No tears. Not yet. I know you loved me to the best of your ability, Carmilla, and I’m grateful for what you gave me. They always said it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all and I agree. I’m a better person for having been in love with you." Laura whispers and she’s losing steam now. Carmilla interlaces their fingers again.

"I’m in love with you. I always have been and I forever will be. My heart will always be with you, wherever you go." Carmilla whispers bringing their interlaced fingers up to her mouth. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I wish I could make up for all of the times I should have it." Laura shakes her head.

"It means more to me than you’ll ever know that you’ve even said it once." She’s wise and Carmilla knows that she has a life of experience to draw from now. "I love you too." She says, her voice raspy and slow. "Because you deserve to hear it at least once." Carmilla’s teeth clamp down on her bottom lip. She hears Laura’s heartbeat slowing. She squeezes tighter. "Don’t hold on to me. You deserve happiness too, Carmilla. You can’t punish yourself forever." Carmilla shakes her head.

"No. You are my heart, Laura. I will never love another as I love you. You have all of me and you will have all of me for as long as I exist." She says firmly and Laura allows her eyes to flutter closed for a moment, a single tear falling down her cheek.

"My soul will remain with you always. I love you." She whispers and the change in her heartrate is detected by the monitors now. Her grip on Carmilla’s hand loosens until her fingers go completely limp. Carmilla listens as she hears the final beat of her heart.

She hopes that somehow her ears are wrong and the murmur is so slow it’s just difficult to detect. But the flatline on the machine tells her that she’s not wrong.

She’s gone.

Her face is streaked with tears. Her sob is loud and she swears she’s never felt more pain in her life - not even when she was being beaten and tortured within an inch of her life.

She knows it’s only a matter of moments before someone comes rushing in so she lets go of Laura’s hand. She plants a kiss on the top of her forehead. Her tears fall on Laura’s face. She pulls back and pushes hair away from Laura’s forehead.

"Until we meet again." She whispers into her ear.

This isn’t goodbye - while it may feel that way. Carmilla knows she’ll see her on the other side.

Eventually.


End file.
